i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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