I showed him my bush... on skype.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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