right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
