On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
