Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
