Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
