i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
