I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
