my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize