He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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