why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
