I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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