You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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