My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
