Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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