Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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