I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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