I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
