Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
