New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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