theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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