I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
tell me about the eggs
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
