You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
