The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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