I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
