just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
