does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize