i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
