I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
