i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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