There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
