And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
