I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
