You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
