fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
