May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
