please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
