Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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