Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Couch. On fire.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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