Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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