I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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