Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
