just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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