he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I had to cum in my sink.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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