The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
well you can't waste a boner
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
