Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
