my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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