Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize