this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She needs sedatives and a leash
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
