Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
