Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
