I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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