the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
