i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
