if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
