the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
