These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
