I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
