After last night, I could never be a politician.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
