Im at strip club and am horny
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
